Staying Mentally Healthy During The Pandemic

Let’s start with what I believe can be very helpful when thinking about social distancing, isolation, and avoidance of any large gathering of people. This is our way of being generous to those at greater risk from the virus. By sacrificing our normal way of life, we are, hopefully, helping to reduce the number of people infected by the virus. These small acts of selflessness can save thousands of lives. While the politicians are asking everyone to follow these new rules, they often don’t reminds us that we are doing this for all the elderly and immunocompromised family members, loved ones, and neighbors in our lives.

When one realizes that they are giving back and supporting those less fortunate, there is a feeling of goodness that I hope you can appreciate, as well as an opportunity to explore the deeper meaning for our lives. Let’s remember that this is a short-term situation that has the possibility of bringing out the best in each and every one of us. It also has the potential to fray nerves and get us stir crazy, so remembering the greater goal can bring us peace and satisfaction.

Now, let’s look at some simple ideas to reduce anxiety and stress. Avoid listening to the news for hours on end. It’s great to be up to date and know the latest directives from local, state, and the federal governments, but there is no need to feed the anxiety monster with over saturation. When appropriate and safe, take a walk, exercise, and get some fresh air. Getting out of your head and into the world will remind you that you are okay. Listening to some music can soothe your soul, motivate you, or get you up and dancing. Dancing at home is great way to exercise, have fun, and forget about your worries for a little while.

Use technology to relax, meditate, and be mindful. As of 3/22/20, the apps Headspace and Calm are offering some paid features for free. You can download these apps for free at the Apple App or Google Play Stores. You can also go on YouTube and search for guided meditation videos and find one that resonates with you. Many of them guide you with deep breathing exercises too. Use technology to connect. There are many platforms/apps that offer free video and voice calling. Even while sheltering at home, you can gather family and friends for an online party, chat one to one, or reconnect with those you care about. There is no reason why anyone needs to feel alone. If you are in recovery, AA and NA have online groups that you can attend virtually. Do you know about Libby (books and audio books) and Kanopy (movies, documentaries, and courses)? These are two library based apps that let you borrow books, audio books, and videos for free. Just set up an account and enter in your library card. This may be the opportunity to learn a language, skill, or just let a book or video take you away.

You might want to reread So, What Do You Think? This blog post reminds us that we decide what we think and how we feel about situations and events. Using reality checking, monitoring negative self-talk, and using positivity and positive self-talk, can help you cope much more effectively with any situation or event that you experience. An example of this can be found back in the first paragraph, where I ask you to think about your sheltering at home as a generous, selfless act. It doesn’t make the virus go away, but it reframes how you think about what is happening.

Take advantage of Tele-therapy. You can ideally stay connected with your therapist via phone or video sessions. The continuity of your care does not have to get affected, and most providers will offer some way of connecting during this crises. If you don’t have a therapist, but would like to get some support. There are many helplines that should still be operating, one of which is called NYCWell. They offer text, chat, and phone support. Again, the idea is to stay connected, even if you live alone.

Make a list of things that you’ve been putting off, wanting to do, or are passionate about that you can do at home. Staying productive, active, and growth oriented will go a long way to reduce stress and anxiety. Finally cleaning out the closet, doing some home repair, practicing the piano, getting in shape, learning how to cook/bake, etc., can help change your mood and outlook.

Use empathy, active listening, and patience. If you are home with family members, it could get frustrating after awhile. Using empathy will allow you to appreciate that some family members, especially children, may struggle with having to stay at home. When we use empathy, it reduces stress, frustration, and anxiety, and helps to build deeper relationships. Take the time to reframe the negative into a positive, savoring time spent with loved ones, using active listening and effective communication skills to create a safe, peaceful experience. Everyone will need some patience, especially if this drags on for months. Take breaks from each other and use this opportunity to increase the bonds that have formed over the years. The only difference between a disaster and an adventure is your collective attitudes.

If you are someone who embraces faith in your life, don’t forget that prayer and your faith community are also there to support you. This past weekend, a local Rabbi recorded a Shabbat video for the congregation. Since most religious gatherings are cancelled, he found a way to stay connected. Check to see if your local church, mosque, or synagogue is offering any online support or services. Keeping religious routines may be very comforting and bring you some well needed peace. You may also be able to call your clergy, should you need some additional reassurance.

Finally, many of us are concerned, nervous, and maybe a little anxious about what we’re experiencing. This is uncharted territory for all of us. Allow yourself some space to sit with these feelings, acknowledging that it’s okay to feel these normal human emotions. Please remember that what you are feeling now is temporary. You’re not going to feel like this forever. Like most feelings, they are short-lived. As you become more aware of your feelings and thought processes, you will have more opportunities to intervene to help yourself feel better. Let’s be kind to ourselves and one another, as we go through this together.

Stay healthy,

Warren

P.S. Found a great posting of things to do with families while sheltering at home from Northwell Health:

Museums:

Louvre Museum, Paris

National Gallery of Art, Washington DC

Metropolitan Museum of Art

Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

Uffizi Gallery, Florence Italy

Paris Museums

Museum Color Books

Zoos

San Diego Zoo

Zoo Atlanta Panda Cam

Smithsonian's National Zoo

Reid Park Zoo Lion Cam, Tuscon AZ

Ouwehand Park Polar Bear Cubs

Cincinnati Zoo Live

Aquariums

Monterey Bay Aquarium

Georgia Aquarium

National Aquarium Virtual Tour

Virtual Tour of Seattle Aquarium

Travel the world

Google Maps street view will allow you to visit almost any destination around the world. Check out these views:

 Pompei

Great Wall of China

Yellowstone National Park

Tour England

Colonial Williamsburg

Ellis Island

US National Parks

For the kids

Netflix for Kids

Scholastic School Courses

School Workbooks

Online Schools

Boredom Busters for Kids

Isolation/Home Ed Things To Do

IT'S TIME TO HIRE A GOOD DEFENSE ATTORNEY!

Distorted thoughts are often at the root of depression and anxiety.  When you are committed to the belief that you are either unsafe,  or unworthy, or unable,  or incapable, or bad,  or stupid, or defective, or ugly, etc. your feelings typically follow the lead of your belief.  Your feelings/mood don't care if your belief is based on nonsense, it just goes with it.  If I feel as if I can't go to the store because I'll have a panic attack, then I will feel very anxious about going to the store.  I won't feel safe, and I'll convince myself that I can't do it.  Not doing what I want or need to do will, or could, leave me feeling even worse about myself.  The downward spiral of negativity keeps on going, resulting in depressed mood, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and more anxiety.

Let's talk about guilt.  Typically, guilt comes after something bad happens and you know the result.  For example, someone close to you dies.  All the woulda, shoulda, and coulda's start to pile up. "I should have known he was struggling."  "I could have been a better friend."  "Why did I yell and complain so much."  "If only I was a better [fill in the blank], then she wouldn't have killed herself."  Can we keep it real?  Most of us could do better at all these things, but none of us are perfect.  Also, none of us knew for certain that the end result would be what it was; we are just playing Monday morning quarterback (that's when fans complain that their team would have won had they done things differently...after they know the outcome).

What does an attorney have to do with anything?  Please allow me to explain.  We human beings are often very hard on ourselves.  It's like we are in court and have a great prosecutor making a case against us: "Your boss hates you, you are always making mistakes, and you are going to lose your job." <crickets>  If there is no one making an argument in your defense, then the judge will find you guilty (the prosecutor's facts are the only ones considered). You are going to feel like your job security is gone and anxiety, depressed mood, hopelessness, and anger will be free to make you feel terrible. 

It's time to hire a good defense attorney!   Your attorney needs to poke holes in the prosecutor's case, ask for proof, challenge the accuracy of the charges, and make a case that the prosecutor is wrong. Why do you say the boss hates you?  "Well, he is always throwing last minute difficult assignments on my desk."  Could that be because he trusts that you will do good work and get the job done on time?  "Well, that is possible."  Is anyone in the office perfect, never making mistakes?  "Of course everyone makes mistakes, there are no perfect people.  My boss screwed something up just the other day."  How often are you really making mistakes?  "Come to think of it, I have been getting better and better at my work, making fewer mistakes this year than last."  As the case for your boss hating you and you losing your job falls apart, your mood will change as well. No longer will you be anxious and stressed about losing your job, since the original fearful thought was not true.  Instead of being miserable, you'll be able to feel better and have a more satisfying life..

Working on improving your mental health is not a passive exercise that happens once a week in therapy.  It takes effort and practice.  The more energy that is directed towards your well-being, the better the results will be.  In the short term, It is much easier to have a negative thought about yourself and let the "prosecutor" make the case why you'll always be a mess.  In the long term, so much energy will be used to fight off misery that you'll wish that you would have intervened sooner.  Get in there and challenge and debunk that negative thought as soon as you have it.  Do some reality checking, use the same level of compassion for yourself as you use for others, and become a great defense attorney for yourself.

Finally, when it comes to making the case for your health or the health of someone else, ask yourself whether the opposite can be true.  If you think that the pain in your head is a malignant brain tumor, ask yourself whether it may just be a simple headache. Maybe you haven't eaten enough today.  What is the proof that the negative thought is the more accurate one?  Most likely, there probably isn't any.  It's just a fear.  If thinking that it's just a headache makes you feel much better than thinking you are dying of brain cancer, why not think that way?  Your defense attorney is just as effective in debunking the case against you being deathly sick as he/she is with anything else.  Best of all, there is no charge for the best defense attorney money can buy.. Do you know why? That's right!  The best defense attorney is you!

I rest my case!

Gratitude

Gratitude 

As we approach Thanksgiving in the United States, many of us forget that this holiday focuses on gratitude.  The holiday began as an expression of our experience in the New World. We gave thanks for a plentiful harvest that would sustain us through the upcoming Winter. 

Today, some families ask each guest to share what they are grateful for as they sit together around the dining room table.  I love the way gratitude can refocus our attention on the positives that are always present in our lives, but can often be overshadowed by negativity.  When depression, loneliness, sadness, or anxiety overtakes our defenses, try a little gratitude to counteract those difficult emotions.

A great exercise that you can do each evening is to write down three things that you are grateful for.  It may be hard to come up with that list, especially if life has been difficult for you as of late.  Depression can distort your thinking, making you believe that everything is lousy.  So, like most things that are worthwhile, you will need to work hard to achieve your goal of listing three things that you’re grateful for.  

Remember the analogy about the glass that is either half full or half empty?  Losing someone really hurts, and missing them during the holiday season can be especially painful (glass half empty).  It’s hard, but being grateful for having had that person in your life, even for a shorter time than you would’ve liked, can be very healing (glass half full).  Remember, it only hurts because you were lucky enough to love someone and have them love you back that you miss them so terribly (glass half full).  I’ve heard many a client say that they were grateful to have awoken in the morning, happy to be alive for another day.  How about feeling grateful for the natural beauty around you, the exquisite sound of a baby’s laugh, or the help that someone offered you today? If you're fortunate enough to be in good health, hopefully, you can realize how very glass half full that is!!!  These are just a few things that can make your list tonight. If you make the effort to look, you'll be able to fill your glass too.

During this holiday season, try to incorporate gratitude into your daily routine.  If you do, you’ll be very grateful that you did!

Wishing you all the healthiest and happiest that the holidays have to offer.

Finding Peace

Finding Peace

If peace is your destination, you’ll need a map to help get you there.  Holding grudges, being angry, thinking negatively about yourself/the world, using drugs/alcohol, hating/hurting yourself/others, and isolating are conspicuously missing from that map, unless you want to include hazards and roadblocks.

Merriam Webster’s Full Definition of peace:
1     :  a state of tranquillity or quiet: as         a :  freedom from civil disturbance         b :  a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom <a breach of the peace> 
2     :  freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions
3     :  harmony in personal relations
4     a :  a state or period of mutual concord between governments     b :  a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a         state of enmity
5     —used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell
at peace
        :  in a state of concord or tranquillity

Notice the words,: a state of tranquility or quiet, harmony in personal relations, mutual accord, agreements, calm.  These words illustrate the direction and eventual arrival point on our map.  Come with me on this journey, as we discover which roads to take, and where we need to make turns.

Imagine yourself taking a slow deep breath and exhaling while closing your eyes and having a slight smile on your face.  It’s not that your life is perfect, but in this moment you’ve found some peace.  The more I work and learn, the more it seems that peace comes through interpersonal relationships; other people.  Part of the journey includes the courage to surround yourself with positive, supportive people and break off or limit contact with those negative, dangerous, and unhealthy people in your life.  It’s important to realize that you are not responsible for the feelings of those you cut off, just responsible for the relationship choices that you make.

Seek insight and get nonjudgemental feedback from a trusted source, like a therapist, so that you can improve self-esteem and be kind, forgiving, and loving to yourself.  Increase forgiveness, understanding, and empathy in your relationships.  Help other people and do things that matter according to your values.  Be more optimistic.  Since the future isn’t real (it hasn’t happened yet, right?), why not think more positively about it?  Take care of your body with a proper diet, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, and good hydration.  Be more productive and active so that you feel accomplished and fulfilled. 

When you add wonderment into your life, you are getting closer to peace.  Take a closer look at the beauty that’s all around you.  Feel humbled by the night sky, the ocean’s waves, the majestic peak of a mountain.  Ask questions, learn things, and be curious about others and the world. 

For me, love is the icing on the cake.  I feel at peace in the arms of the person I love.  If you are willing to let someone in, a healthy someone, even though it could end painfully, you give yourself the opportunity to eventually find love and be loved. 

Finally, learn and practice meditation, mindfulness, yoga, and relaxation breathing, and you’ll be ready to find your peace. It may take a few minutes, hours, days, years, or decades, but finding peace is worth the effort.  So take out your map and, like every journey, begin with the first step.  I wish you all peace in your lives.

Men

I was recently involved in a discussion that started out about the barriers to asking for help, but turned into some revelations about what the expectations are for men’s behaviors.  The stereotypical portrayal of the man is stoic, sucking it up, and not being very comfortable expressing emotions.  Is this the pre and post baby boomer’s generational bias?  Is this a cultural bias in the African American community that is still with us?  Is this the Latino machismo that remains in place?

Your family of origin experience will answer the above questions, but generally speaking, I do think the message that boys don’t cry is still alive and well.  There is still the weight felt by many boys and men to “man up” about things and be self-sufficient emotionally.  While I do concede that this does not describe every male’s experience, it may be yours.

So then what happens to boys/men who internalize this view of the male role and put limits on their emotional communication?  I believe that the potential for resentment, anxiety, fear, and intimacy problems develop.  Most of this psychic pain derives from the distorted belief that men are less than men if they display any signs of emotional weakness.  As they think retrospectively, I hear so many men describe how angry they are that they were fooled into believing that there was only one way to be a real man.  That way was to grin and bear it.

Neither sex can read minds,  so being able to communicate what you’re feeling to others helps take away the guesswork.  A healthier and more evolved male can cry, ask for help, describe his wants, needs, and desires to the people he loves.  When the blinders are lifted and healthy emotional conversations happen, relationships improve, fear and anxiety decrease, and a man is more likely to feel like a whole person.  

I’ll never forget watching an interview with George Burns, who was about a 100 years old at the time.  He was talking about the loss of his parents an event that took place more than 50 years prior, and he began to cry.  This successful, cigar-smoking man’s man, became a vulnerable human being whose love and respect for his parents knew no time limits.  That was strength!  That was self-confidence!  That was beautiful to witness, and a lesson for boys and men on what it really means to be a hu-man! 

When working with men, I find that once the they feel safe and trust me, being able to open up and share thoughts and feelings is like a revelation for some of them.  Ideally, they take what they’ve experienced and begin to feel comfortable enough to communicate more openly at home and with others in their lives.  By the way, no need to worry.  Nobody will come and take your “man card” away ;)

Rewriting Your Story

Imagine how terrible it must feel to think, actually, believe, that you are a failure, you let everyone down, and you are worthless/hopeless.  Let me tell you a story, with the names and demographics changed to avoid any breach of confidentiality.

I once worked with a young man from Chicago named Phillip.  Phillip had very disturbing and violent thoughts.  He got angry and aggressive easily and thought very little of himself.  When Phillip was younger, he lived with his aunt Charlene.  He never met his biological mother and been placed in Charlene’s custody at age one.  For Phillip, Charlene was mom.  One afternoon, Charlene’s boyfriend Tito got very angry with her.  This was nothing new, but this time he couldn’t control his anger.  Phillip was in the next room, playing a video game; he was only nine.  As the noise grew louder, Phillip came out to see what was going on.  Although this wasn’t the first time he heard Charlene and Tito fighting, Phillip sensed that this was not their typical fight.  This was bad.  He could hear the fear in his mother’s voice.  

Phillip was stunned to see his mother with her eye swollen and bleeding from the mouth.  Tito kept screaming at her and hitting her like he lost his mind.  After Charlene and her now ex-husband divorced, Phillip was the “little man” in the house (the only boy among three siblings).  He liked the title and tried to act like a “man.”  Phillip, knew it was his responsibility to protect his mother,  but he was so scared that he could barely move.  He felt the warm sensation of urine streaming down his legs.  Finally, Tito stormed out of the house, leaving a traumatized Phillip tending to his beaten mother.

From that day forward, Phillip felt horrible about himself.  That distorted belief that he was responsible for protecting his mother, at age nine, despite the fact that Tito could have killed or injured him with barely any effort, was all that he knew.  He became angry at himself, then others, and even towards his mother.  Anyone who dared to look at him funny, challenge his manhood, or treat him with any perceived disrespect would pay the price.

It was only after getting into therapy, that he had the opportunity to explore whether the story he had written about himself was true or not.  Over time, he came to realize how his child-sized brain truly believed that he should have been able to help his mother, despite age, strength, and size deficits.  Anything else was unacceptable, unforgivable, and intolerable.  When he was asked whether he had any family members who were nine, he said yes.  One little boy in particular stood out for him, and that was his nephew Shaun.  I asked him to imagine Shaun facing a 35-year-old man who was angry, on drugs, and violent.  Would he want Shaun to take on that responsibility when the 35 year old was beating his mom?  Slowly, recognition began to show on Phillip’s face.  “I never saw myself as a small, scared child like Shaun would be in that situation.  I thought I was supposed to be the man of the house.”  I comforted him and reinforced the thought that children aren’t equipped physically or emotionally for managing that kind of trauma.  It isn't the responsibility of a young child to protect his parents, it is theirs to protect him.  This began a slow, but steady, process of healing for Phillip.  He was able to begin rewriting his own story, this time with more understanding and compassion for himself.  For Phillip, it brought him the healing and self-forgiveness that eventually lead to a lessening of the anger and self-loathing that had turned Phillip’s story into a nightmare.

A therapist’s job is to provide a reality mirror for our clients and reflect back a healthy perspective based in truth and knowledge.  May your reflection be a healthy one, so that you can heal and rewrite your story too.

Happy Mother's Day...Maybe

Holidays; they trigger all kinds of feelings in us.  Some of these feelings are wonderful, like love, joy, gratitude, comfort, peace, and contentment.  If you think of yourself as being a part of the holiday, in a participatory sense, like being a mom on mother’s day and having your child or children around, the feelings tend to be more positive.  For some of us, it can feel as if we’re looking through the window into the candy store from outside, watching as all the other kids get to enjoy their candy, while we go hungry.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship with his/her mother, or be a mother with healthy connections to her child, or have a mother who is still alive or available.  Sometimes, Mother’s Day can trigger feelings of anger, isolation, depression, self-loathing, etc.  This is where the interventions of self-talk (our inner conversation/thoughts), gratitude, mindfulness, and behavioral work come into play.

Self-Talk: monitoring for any negative self-talk (thoughts) that are at the root of your feeling bad.  “My mom died two years ago.  I hate this holiday, it’s just too painful for me!”  It is okay to be sad about the loss of your mother, but thinking this way robs you of the beautiful memories of your time together (assuming a healthy relationship with mom).  You can challenge the negative thought and/or replace it: “Stop it! I’m not going down this road again, it just leaves me feeling awful” (thought stopping). “While I miss you mom, you were in my life for 38 years, loving me so much. Happy Mother’s Day in heaven mom!” (thought replacing).

Gratitude: for loss from death, dysfunction, or circumstance, it takes a lot of work and perspective-building to feel grateful.  It is possible though.  Maybe you and your mother had a horrible relationship (she was or is an addict who neglected or abused you, etc.), but someone else came into your life as a person of support, love, or as a mentor.  You can feel gratitude about that and, perhaps, go on to have your own family someday, with children who look forward to being with you on Mother’s Day.  Mother’s Day then becomes a day to reflect on your dreams and goals, as well as recognize the beauty of motherhood done well.  You can also feel grateful for having been gifted with such resilience to have come this far, without the support of a healthy mom.

Mindfulness: taking a holiday, or any other day, to center yourself and be very present, calm, and also grateful.  Using mindfulness, via meditation, yoga practice, etc., reduces the symptoms of depression, anger, anxiety, and stress and allows you to gather yourself in a way that makes each day precious, meaningful, and valuable.  Once centered, you can more easily navigate a difficult holiday for you, but celebrate and appreciate the day and its meaning with others.

Behavioral Interventions:  there is no magical and complicated answer for dealing with strong emotions, just simple, practical ones.  You do the things that help change your mood and bring you joy, satisfaction, and meaning.  So if the holiday is getting you depressed, go take a walk, listen to music, watch a movie, talk with a family member or friend, exercise, knit, do a puzzle, take a ride, paint, write, etc.  Do something to alter your mood that is healthy, instead of allowing the feelings to take over and crush you.  It is the doing that stimulates emotional/mood change.

These are just some ways to cope with holiday blues explained very briefly.  Should you seriously struggle with holidays, a professional therapist can really help you build the skills to retake control over the calendar.

Finally, I want to wish all the mothers, including mine, a very Happy Mother’s Day!

Guilt And Shame

Guilt and shame can have a significant impact on self-esteem and mood.  Guilt is the emotion we feel when we have done something that we believe is bad (or wrong).  Shame is the emotion we feel when we believe we are bad (defective, or broken).  

Let’s start with guilt.  Someone once told me: “there are guilt catchers and guilt throwers.”  It made me think deeply about what it meant to feel guilt and the times when I wanted someone else to feel guilty because of my own hurt feelings.  We can feel guilty for many different unhealthy reasons: codependency (often associated with people who grew up in homes with alcoholics, drug addicts), unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, low self-esteem.  There are also healthy reasons to feel guilt: empathy, compassion, ethics, morality, core values.  If you feel guilty too often and it triggers depressed mood, impacts negatively on how you feel about yourself, or causes you significant emotional distress, then it would be helpful to seek out professional support.  Also, remember that just because someone is a guilt thrower, it doesn’t mean that you have to be a guilt catcher.  Please reread my previous blog http://www.schiffertherapy.com/new-blog/2015/9/19/so-what-do-you-think and you will see that other people don’t get to decide how you feel, only you do!  Guilt can be a part of your moral compass or it can be the ball and chain around your ankle.  It takes some work to gain insight on the role of guilt in your life, but certainly worth the effort. Finally, Erik Erikson describes the stages of psychosocial development in his book Childhood and Society, one of which includes Initiative versus Guilt (takes place during ages 3-6).  How we are raised contributes significantly to how we experience guilt.

Now, let’s look at shame.  Shame can be extremely destructive, since it is the belief that we are bad, defective, or broken at our core.  Imagine if you felt that way about yourself and how it could impact just about every decision, every relationship, and your entire emotional landscape.  My experience working with clients who come in with significant feelings of shame, is that they are working off a belief system that was forged during childhood.  As children, we are tasked with making sense of the world, even if we are neglected and/or abused.  We haven’t yet developed the capacity for adult reasoning and understanding, so we are forced to use our narcissistic and underdeveloped brain to survive.  The result of this is that we come away with distorted views of ourselves and the world.  Let me give you a simple example.  If a parent or main caregiver rejects or abuses a child, the child cannot imagine that the parent is a flawed human being, whose own struggles make them unable or incapable ofbeing a “good enough” parent.  No, the child thinks:  “there has to be something wrong with me if my parent doesn’t love me (hates me, hurts me).”  This distorted way of reasoning out of a horrific situation can remain fixed as the child grows into adulthood.  It can lead to perfectionism, depression, self-fulfilling prophecies of failure, reenactments of trauma, abuse, and unhealthy relationships.  Shame is amazingly debilitating.  The good news is that, for most people, it can be treated in therapy and be held up to the light of the adult brain’s intellect and get reintegrated into a new, more positive and compassionate view of one’s self.  Erik Erikson’s stage of Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt (ages 1-3) addresses his view on the potential development of shame.  Brene Brown has some wonderful TED talks on shame: “The Power of Vulnerability” and “Listening to Shame.” You can ‘google’ Brene Brown + Ted talks to find them.  

It truly breaks my heart to see how terrible we treat ourselves based upon the guilt and shame we feel about ourselves.  I work very hard to help heal the distorted beliefs that have caused so much pain for my clients.  It is understanding, insight, self-forgiveness, and embracing our humanity that can make a significant difference in your life.  Why not start now?

Self-Talk: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

“I can’t do this!” “I am such a loser.”  “I got this.” This is going to be easy for me.”  “Who would want to date me looking like this?”  “I am so grateful for this opportunity.”  Sound familiar?

Self-talk is the conversation that we all have with ourselves; our thoughts that are ‘spoken’ internally.  Sometimes, we actually verbalize these thoughts when we’re alone, or think nobody hears us.  For the record, this is part of the human experience, not a pathology (something wrong with us).  Self-talk, as a concept, is neutral.  When it serves to make negative feelings worse, it is not helpful.  When it serves to bring out the best in us, it is positive.

Often, my goal is to help a client stop negative self-talk, since it can be very destructive.  Negative self-talk gets its start when the feedback the world gives them is negative, painful, scary, confusing, or just plain wrong.  Let me provide some examples.  Dad says: “you are so stupid!  You’ll never make anything out of yourself.”  Mom says: “Why can’t you be like your sister?  You’re pathetic, I can’t believe you’re my daughter.”

As a child, you try to make sense of the onslaught of hurtful words being hurled at you by the very person/people who are supposed to love and nurture you.  It makes sense to a child’s mind, that if you are being rejected by your primary caregiver/s, that there must be something wrong or bad about you.  Why else would mommy or daddy say such hurtful things.  That early abuse, neglect, trauma, gets internalized so that the child grows up believing this distorted narrative that they are somehow to blame, defective, bad, worthless, hopeless, or helpless.  They then take this baggage with them into adulthood, but in an unconscious way.  It’s like they feel burdened by a heavy weight, but can’t see the ball and chain they’re dragging around.

In therapy, this can be gently brought into the light, so that the it is revealed for what it is: a child’s distorted attempt to understand him/herself and the world.  Then the process of getting rid of the ball and chain can begin.  The negative self-talk may have already become a habit, so it could take a lot of work to recognize the pattern and make changes.  Two main cognitive (thought-based) strategies are thought stopping and thought replacement.

Thought stopping: awareness that you are engaging in negative self-talk and simply telling yourself to stop it.  Here’s how it looks: “I don’t deserve to be happy.  I”m such a loser!”  “No! I am not going down this road again.  Warren, stop it.”  Then I either change the subject of my self-talk or occupy my brain with another activity.

Thought replacement: again, awareness that you engaged in negative self-talk, but this time replacing the negative thought with a more positive one.  Here’s how it looks: “I don’t deserve to be happy.  I”m such a loser!”  “Wait a minute! Of course I deserve happiness. I am a human being with dignity.  All human beings fail and make mistakes along the way, no one’s perfect, and I’m working hard to learn from mine.”

Finally, as I like to think of this, when negative self-talk is about the future, it can’t be real.  The future hasn’t happened yet, therefore, we have a choice.  We can think negatively about the future or positively about the future.  Since neither is real, why not choose to be more positive?
It’s up to you…that’s right, you have the power to think more positively.  Try it, and let me know how it works for you!

Donald Trump Wins The Nomination!

Easy now, I am not predicting the future, nor weighing in on my politics.  I am, however, hoping to elicit strong emotions from you.  For a lot of people, avoiding political discussions at the dinner table or at gatherings is a way of preserving the peace.  Some people get out of control, driven by fear, frustration, anger, etc., and fail to manage their emotions in a socially acceptable manner.  One of the things I work on with my clients, is their ability to sit with and tolerate strong emotions, without the negative consequences that many of us suffer when we lose control.

It is precisely the idea of tolerating emotions that is the behavioral or practical side of interacting in a healthy, adaptive manner with others, the world, and ourselves.  Let me break this down into simple concepts: when we feel strong emotions, we have the potential to react in different ways, depending on how well we have learned to cope up until this point.  Our emotional growth and our ability to tolerate strong emotions are impacted by previous life experiences.  Exposure to trauma, abuse, neglect, addiction, and unhealthy attachment can cause us to use unhealthy or maladaptive coping skills (behaviors) when subjected to strong emotions.  Those with a good support system and healthy coping skills tend to make better decisions under emotional strain, understand that whatever emotion they are feeling in the moment is temporary, and can operate from a balanced emotional state.  Those with poor coping skills often react aggressively, inappropriately, or by shutting down, avoiding, or dissociating.

Here is one tool to help.  You've probably heard of the word/practice of mindfulness.  Practicing mindfulness is very useful for being able to experience strong emotions without letting them trigger you into behaviors that you'll regret or push you deeper into depression.  The connection between tolerating strong emotions and mindfulness is being able to acknowledge, in a nonjudgemental way, that we are feeling strong emotions, but recognize our power to control and regulate ourselves.  All of this is taking place in the moment, helping us feel more empowered to feel in control and to facilitate self-soothing.  Practicing mindfulness has gone beyond being a tool to reach for when in trouble and is now being used for improving the workplace experience, preventing burnout, and for living a more flourishing and satisfying life.  

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. 
If you are anxious you are living in the future. 
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu

 Mindfulness allows us to receive the gift we were given; the present.  Like most worthwhile pursuits, mindfulness takes time to get good at.  Thankfully, youtube, podcasts, smartphone apps, and the vast internet offer a ton of opportunities to find the right practice companions for you.  So why not explore mindfulness right now?  After all, there's no time like the present!

Cigarettes; Their Hidden Benefit

The last thing I thought I would do would be to write anything positive about cigarettes, however, read on and see if you agree...

You just had a big fight with a parent, spouse, or friend.  There was yelling, screaming, and lots of emotion being flung around.  Your heart is pounding and you're breathing very fast.  It feels as if you are going to come apart from all the emotional stress.  You fumble through your pocket and grab hold of your cigarettes.  Thankfully, you kept a lighter in your other pocket.  As you put the torch up to the cigarette dangling out of your mouth, you take a long hit and hold the smoke in your lungs for a few seconds, eventually exhaling.  This repeats itself as you breathe in and out making the wisps of smoke dance and spin through your nostrils and into the evening air.  Slowly, your heart beats more normally, not like it was when you were so upset.  You're not feeling great, but the crisis is over; you're not going to break apart or shatter like a delicate champagne glass.

In my work, I came to realize that what smoking does, more often that not, is help people relax.  Yes, there are chemicals in cigarettes that impact you, but a big part of why you calm down is because you slow down your breathing and your heart rate.  This then becomes habit.  So many kids tell me that after a big fight at home, they went outside to smoke and that smoking chilled them out.  There are other factors that help us to feel better, of course, like removing oneself from the source of conflict. Yet, understanding what you're doing, from a behavioral standpoint, allows you to extract the benefit and leave the butt behind.  

If you want to quit smoking, but are afraid to remove a coping skill that works, remind yourself that the cigarette isn't the skill.  It's the breathing.  Here's how it works: take the same approach of separating yourself from the source of conflict, then work on slowing down your breathing by taking a deep breath in, holding for a couple of seconds, and exhaling slowly.  Repeat the process until you feel your heart rate slow and your confidence in coping with the emotions grow.  If you are worried about smoking, but are afraid to remove a coping skill that works, remember that the cigarette isn't the skill.  It's the breathing.

Saying Goodbye

Saying Goodbye

Just the title of this blog can trigger some very strong emotions.  For most of us, saying goodbye to those we like, love, or simply enjoy is very difficult.  People move, change jobs, get incarcerated, pass away, etc., and how we cope with that loss depends of a few factors.

1) Our support system

    A) Do we have people in our lives, both personal and professional, with whom we can talk and be supported?  

    B) Are there community or online support groups, religious organizations, self-help groups that we can utilize?

2) Our Emotional history

    A) Did we experience loss in childhood? Abandonment?  Neglect? Abuse?

    B) Did we experience recent loss, abandonment, neglect, or abuse?

    C) Did we get support for our strong feelings of abandonment, neglect, abuse, and loss and process those experiences in a healthy way?

3) Resilience Quotient

    A) Are we the type of person whose ability to overcome significant hardship and emotional challenges comes easily?

Research tells us that having a good support system is proven to improve outcomes of people suffering from mental illnesses in general and is also a preventative factor against emotional hardship. The ability to express your feelings, accept help with understanding and processing feelings, and doing so with people you trust and feel safe with, is a path to coping adaptively to life’s losses.  I remember how invaluable it was for me to be part of a bereavement group, as were the words of hope from my Rabbi which have stayed with me over the years.  

When you’ve experienced significant feelings of loss, there is a tendency to want to shut down, isolate, and suffer alone. DON’T!  It is with others that we find meaning, understanding, purpose, and healing.  One of the hardest things to do is to ask for help.  Please think of this, should you ever be the one unable to ask for help: how did you feel when someone you cared about asked you for help (and you provided it)?  That’s right…very good!  Think of asking someone for help as an opportunity for them to feel good about themselves and not as being burdensome.

Our emotional history plays itself out in many ways.  Early experiences of loss, neglect, or abuse can have a major impact on the meaning of goodbye.  It could trigger historical feelings of abandonment, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or simply overwhelm emotional defenses and coping skills.  Depressive episodes, self-medicating (taking drugs, using alcohol), anxiety, anger, aggression, are just some of the symptoms that can come from saying an unwanted or unexpected goodbye.  Gaining insight into your feelings and being able to work to address any unhealthy reactions will help reduce the length and depth of your emotional discomfort.  Again, there is no reason to face this alone.

Finally, there are some people who are more resilient and will be better able to manage difficult goodbyes.  Whether it is a combination of genetics of personality and exposure to someone who was able to be that “Sabbath” person (a person of peace, care, love, support) for you is unclear, but this person rolls with the punches more effectively.  In my work, I collaborate to help others become more resilient.  This way, when it is time to say goodbye, they can do it with the appropriate amount of sadness, as well as the gratitude of having grown to care about someone enough that it hurts when they are gone.  I haven’t met anyone yet who would be willing to completely erase all memories of someone they loved in order to avoid the pain of loss.  We must be willing to be fully open to saying hello, in order to even worry about the pain of saying goodbye.  

When Bad Things Happen

Terrorist acts, like Paris, and natural disasters threaten our coping skills and those of our children.  Normally, we can process bad news or a bad experience because we have a good support system, people come together and we don't feel so alone, and, ideally, we have learned how to self-soothe and cope from our parents/caregivers as we matured.  Children look to parents for cues on how to feel, validation of their feelings, and, most importantly, a sense of safety.  I believe that feeling safe is at the core of everything for human beings.  

For us, it is vital that we utilize our support systems and coping skills in order to deal with extremely challenging situations and events.  Please reread So, What Do You Think? to remind yourself that situations and events are neutral, without emotional context, until we give it to them.  We are then empowered to control the emotional fallout.  It is our sense of safety and security that gets rocked by these events and situations.  If you are directly affected by an event, the immediate reaction needs to be to safeguard yourself and your family, even if your emotions aren't necessarily in check.  As time passes, self-soothing and limiting negative self-talk (inner dialogue) will be important.  Always be aware of who is in earshot when still verbalizing shock, despair, fear, anxiety, since children need to be reassured about their safety from adults.

When talking with children, please take a few deep breaths and focus on their needs.  You will need to be honest, but with an understanding of what is age appropriate.  A 17-year-old child will have a different conversation with you than a 4-year-old.  They will need to have their feelings validated ("I can see that you are very scared..."), but also believe that the adults in their lives are capable of keeping them safe.  Death and violence cannot be denied when witnessed, but the way they are discussed must be with the child's needs in mind, not the anxiety of the adult.  Of course, this is after you've managed to get yourself under control.  Don't forget to limit access and exposure to television and social media, after the facts are known, or you will be inundated with waves of repeated photos, videos, and interviews of traumatized people.  You need to get some normalcy back after a tragedy,  and the media has a vested interest in the opposite; keeping your eyeballs glued to their regurgitation of horror.  

My reaction to this most recent carnage in Paris was a sick feeling.  I felt sad, angry, and anxious about the possibility of other attacks.  I am an optimistic person by nature, but seeing the callous nature of human savagery on every channel, newspaper, social media platform, and in conversation threatened my optimism.  My brain needed to evaluate risk and safety, as all our brains are designed to do, but without the distorted thoughts that can trigger emotional upheaval. Eventually,  I worked to push back on the negative self-talk that was in my head, turned off the media faucet, and regained my emotional balance.  The key was acknowledging that I didn't control what was happening in the world, feeling empowered by the realization that I was in total control over how I felt about it, and letting my coping skills do their thing.

My work as a therapist confirms that we are social creatures, needing others to help us find meaning in our lives.  It is with others that we are our best selves.  I refuse to allow anyone to take away my faith in humankind, andI hope you feel the same way.  Wishing you all peace in your lives and in our world.

Do You Just Listen, Or Do You Hear?

Are you listening to me!!!!????  We've heard that phrase used before, haven't we?  Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines the word listen: "to pay attention to someone or something in order to hear what is being said, sung, played, etc. —used to tell a person to listen to what you are saying: to hear what someone has said and understand that it is serious, important, or true."

When we communicate with one another, we often listen, but we sometimes fail to actually hear, process, understand, and appreciate what is being said.  Let's face it, our own internal dialogue, or self-talk, often overshadows our ability to truly hear.  When strong emotions like anxiety, anger, depression, irritation, frustration, insecurity, embarrassment, guilt, etc. are elevated, we tune out and only focus on what we want to say.

Is this a problem?  Well, yes, it is.  Without truly hearing another person, communication breaks down, incorrect or inaccurate messages get sent, and either party could shut down, get emotionally distant, become aggressive, or emotionally injured.  Relationships depend on good listening skills so that understanding and empathy can be utilized when people hear and understand each other.

You can practice these skills by setting an agreed upon time to talk and allowing for each of you to speak without interruption (no talking over each other either!).  Use clarifying questions to ensure the message you heard was accurate: "If I heard you correctly, you get really angry when I make plans without consulting you.  Is that right?"  Use curiosity to enhance understanding, deepen the conversation, and demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as respecting the other person's opinion: "What is it about classical music that resonates with you so much?"  If your own thoughts (inner dialogue, self-talk) keep distracting you, and you are loading up a response without even hearing what the other person is saying, acknowledge that to yourself, take a slow deep breath, and reset your attention back to the other person.  If needed, ask them to repeat what you missed.

Communication is such a vial part of the human experience that relationships often flourish or wither due to our ability to truly hear each other.  If nothing else, I hope that this inspires you to pay attention to conversations with more focus and understanding.  As always, I welcome your feedback on any of the topics I blog about.  Maybe, we can even have a conversation, and I promise that I will hear you!

Label, Stigma, And Bears, Oh My!

Let's set the record straight.  No one is a diagnosis.  You are not Major Depressive Disorder, Schizophrenia,  Bipolar, etc.  You are Bill, Keisha, Joanne, Myron, but maybe you've recently been struggling with symptoms that fit a particular diagnosis.  Diagnoses help professionals, health insurers,  and even clients speak the same language to understand a set of symptoms, but DO NOT define a person.  There are times when it could be helpful to identify with others who suffer from similar symptoms, or even find comfort in getting a diagnosis that, at least, answers some questions you've had about your emotional/psychological state.  Ultimately though, diagnoses are specific collections of human emotions and behaviors that have caused enough distress that people seek help or have had serious life consequences as a result.  In my view, when the symptoms are no longer present, you no longer have a diagnosis (in most cases).

Is stigma real?  Yes, unfortunately.  Our society hasn't yet put mental illness on equal judgmental footing as medical illness.  Some folks still look at anxiety and depression, to name two disorder categories, as being weak or crazy versus being ill.  We wouldn't criticize cancer patients as being weak because they have cancer.  When you can manage your emotions fairly easily, it is difficult to understand the difference in intensity, frequency, and complexity of those emotions in someone who is currently ill.  Their defenses and coping skills have been overwhelmed, throwing them into emotional disarray.  If it were so easy to feel better, don't you think they would?  Thankfully, due to many high profile people speaking out and organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness, stigma has lessened over the years.  A wonderful book about stigma and mental illness is Telling Is Risky Business.  

Ultimately, we are at our best when we can be empathetic, loving, and supportive of our family, friends, and neighbors who may be struggling with mental illness.  In addition to reducing stigma, this allows them an opportunity to feel safe enough to discuss their problems with us and, who knows, maybe avoid  suicide, overdose, or self-harm.  I see my job as supporting my clients so that they find emotional balance and no longer suffer the symptoms that have caused them such pain.  Collaboratively, I work to help clients become the best that they can be, feeling capable of managing their emotions in healthy ways.  I do not see them as a diagnosis or an illness.  They, like me, are fellow human beings who can use a helping hand when things get rough.

So, What Do You Think?

Sometimes, things seem out of control.  Many things actually are.  We don't control the weather, the behaviors and actions of others, the stock market (if you do, please call me ;), etc.  For many teens, as well as adults, it seems as if they are suffering because everything has gotten out of control.  "My mom drives me nuts."  "Only bad things happen to me."  "They made me so angry, what do you expect me to do!"  "I'm failing because the teacher doesn't like me."  The locus of control has shifted away from the individual, leaving the person at the mercy of the universe.  Or has it?  While simple in concept, execution of what you are about to read is extremely difficult at first.  Let's start with the main premise: events and situations are neutral and without emotional context.  We decide what we think, how we feel, and what we do about situations and events in our lives.  No one else gets that privilege.  How do I know this?  If situations and events had emotional meaning built into them, we would all feel the same feelings when they occurred.  I use this analogy with the utmost of respect, and my intention is for it to be the most effective example of this concept.  The events of 9/11 were horrifying for me, as they were for a lot of people, however, we all remember that there were videos of people celebrating in the streets.  If this event had emotional context built in, then we all would have felt similar emotions.  This is an extreme example of the power of our minds and our ability to decide for ourselves how we think, feel, and behave.  Click here for a larger-sized thought triangle which illustrates the linkage between what we think, how we feel, and resulting behaviors.  Let's take a trip back to school for another way to think about this concept.  Here is the scenario: you walk into the lunchroom in middle school.  As you enter, you see that your two friends are across the room and notice that you've just arrived.  They turn to one another, say something, and burst out laughing.  What do you think?  Are they talking about you and making fun of you?  If so, how does that make you feel?  Angry, embarrassed, ashamed, sad?  If so, what do you do?  Do you confront them angrily and aggressively?  Do you turn around and leave?  Okay, now for scenario two: you walk into the lunchroom in middle school.  As you enter, you see that your two friends are across the room and notice that you've just arrived.  They turn to one another, say something, and burst out laughing.  This time you think to yourself: "I wonder what they're talking about that is so funny? I can't wait to find out!"  Would you then approach them aggressively?  I don't think so.  So what's the difference between the two scenarios?  Nothing!...except that you thought differently about them.  It makes all the difference in the world.  It changes the way you feel and behave.  Don't forget, the linkage works in all directions, so negative behaviors could trigger negative self-talk, triggering depressed mood.  Feeling anxious could trigger thoughts of past abuse, which could have you avoid, or run away.  This cognitive (thought-based) strategy allows the individual to use a more positive, hopeful, and reality-based lens to view themselves and the world around them.  So next time you think things are out of control, please remember that you are the only one in control of your emotions.  Again, nobody gets that privilege except you.  I encourage you to pay close attention to how you think about and react to events and situations in your life.  Then, work on making changes so that you can begin to feel better and more in control of your life. 

Apple's New iPhone Is Out! Social Skills Continue Steep Decline.

There is more anecdotal evidence mounting about the impact of technology on the social skill sets of the younger generation.  Texting, email, and chatting are certainly convenient, and serve a wonderful purpose under the right circumstances, but they lack a lot of the social information that is important as we try to connect with one another.  Facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact,  body language,  visceral intuitive feelings, and other non-verbal communication that we, as human beings, use and need to understand each other better are missing and lack context.  Socially, it can become a significant obstacle to connecting with others accurately, deeply, and appropriately.  At its negative extreme, it can impact/distort self-esteem, mood, anxiety, academic and business achievement, and social functioning.  Don't blame Apple though, since technology is neutral.  What we decide to do with it changes the neutrality of its impact.  Let's also not forget that online communities empower people and help people connect socially, in a way that was impossible pre-internet.  You can be a quadriplegic, and, with the right augmentative communication devices, still be able to work, communicate, stay in touch with family and friends, get support, and a host of other things without ever meeting, speaking, or sharing the same space with someone else.

Let's also admit that people use technology to avoid "facing" people.  The text breakup, difficulty saying no in person, not wanting to deal with strong emotions felt when with/around others are all indications of a discomfort  with being able to tolerate and communicate feelings in a respectful, assertive, empathetic, authentic, honest, and direct manner.  The more we avoid, or if we never truly learn the skills to begin with, the harder it is to establish long-term meaningful and satisfying relationships.  When children become adolescents and young adults, it is vital that they learn about communicating feelings, needs, desires to another person, perhaps, someone with whom they may share the rest of their lives. Technology's impact may explain why clinicians report clients coming in with poor social skills and a diminished ability to establish healthy romantic relationships and why we see groups of young people sitting around a table at a restaurant more interested in the their screens than with their dinner companions.  "I'd rather instagram a photo of me appearing to have fun, than actually having fun with the people I went out with."

Please remember, when the tv was first introduced, society had to make radical adjustments, which are still happening today.  Technology is neutral, not inherently good or bad.  I believe it is in our best interest as parents, children, adolescents, and society as a whole not to lose insight into the value of a smile, the tone of voice we adopt, the sound of someone breathing, the furrow of a brow, the shy or knowing glance, the words we choose in the moment,  trusting our instincts about love or danger in close proximity of another human being, and the profound impact of experiencing ourselves in the presence of others.  Our brains get nourished by sharing our lives, not isolating behind barriers.  I'm not saying give up your smart phone, tablet, or computer, but feel free to  tell me if I get lost in mine and am not paying enough attention to you when we're together.

"When I Was Your Age..."

Many parents/guardians struggle with the task of talking to their kids about drugs.  If you live on Long Island, you have read many articles on heroin overdoses and deaths, synthetic drugs, the debate about marijuana, and, let's not forget, alcohol; yes, it's a drug too.  There are a few known things to most adults; drugs and alcohol can put any child at risk for death, legal problems, abuse (being raped, molested), permanent brain damage, pregnancy, automobile/motorcycle/skateboard accidents, and a whole host of financial losses (damage to property, cost of legal counsel, etc.).  So, need any more incentive to talk to your kids about drugs?

Let's talk!  It is really important is to set expectations monitor and supervise your children.  You need to set clear and appropriate consequences, provide positive feedback for positive behaviors/choices, and verbalize the connection between your love and concern and the talk you're having with them.  Easy, right?  No, because now you're trying to be completely honest and forthright, but you're feeling hyporcritical and guilty for not disclosing the lessons you learned from dabbling and how you now know what a big mistake that was.  If you are speaking with anyone younger than 25, your past SHOULD NOT BE DISCUSSED!  Here are the reasons:  1 - you say: "when I was your age, I tried angel dust and ended up getting arrested and lost my job.  I don't want that to happen to you." Your child hears: "it's okay to do drugs."  But wait!  You said not to do drugs.  The child's mind is not an adult mind. It interprets your language in a different way, especially around restricted behaviors.  2 - When your child asks whether you did drugs when you were their age, guess what?  You do not have to answer.  Don't lie, but the recommendation is not to disclose.  Cope with your guilt and redirect the talk where it belongs; on your child's behaviors.  "I understand you are curious, but we are not talking about me.  This is what I expect from you..."  Remember, assuaging your guilt tends to backfire, sending the wrong message.  3 -  Now, if you've never indulged, which is not as rare as you might think, please carry on and disclose your past as a model example of the behaviors you'd like to see from you child.

Just a quick note on some protective factors found on the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA website: www.drugabuse.gov): family bonding, drug education, parental monitoring and supervision, academic competence, anti-drug policy enforcement in school, child's competency at self-control, the child's attachment to the community.  Risk factors include exposure to peers who are substance users, lack of parental supervision, early aggressive behaviors, poverty, and availability of drugs in schools.  Full article here: http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/preventing-drug-abuse-among-children-adolescents/chapter-1-risk-factors-protective-factors/what-are-risk-factors

More Presence Less Process

I've been thinking about the idea of being present.  What does that really mean, and why is it important?  When we are emotionally unbalanced , our thoughts are consumed by things like: "are they looking at me?" "Everyone can see that I'm a mess."  "He probably thinks I'm a crazy." "I can't take this, I need to go home." They can also be more benign, with thoughts about appearance, thinking that we don't fit in, or whether we're doing "it" right, whatever the "it" may be.  With all those thoughts, we are not very present in the moment.  We are caught up in the process of tolerating our emotions while just being, instead of just being.  When we are present, we can really listen and not just hear.  It's getting out of our heads and learning to relax, be authentic, and deepen the connections with others and our environment.  It is important to the degree that we can appreciate what is happening right now, and not regret missing out on what just took place with the people we care about, want to know better, or the simple miracles of life around us.  

How do we achieve presence and focus less on process?  Like anything of value, it takes effort to create a new habit. It is really connecting to what is happening right now, at the same time being bold enough to let go of the negative self-talk that distracts us from truly being who we are capable of being, and allowing us to connect more deeply with others.  There are many books on mindfulness, meditation, and even the practice of yoga, that can go more thoroughly into the idea of being present, but I'll leave that discovery to you.  For me, the feeling of the keys as I type these words, the whirr of the air conditioner in the background, the breath I take in, making my chest rise and fall, remind me of what is happening in this moment.  I'm smiling, because it feels good to focus on the present and not worry so much about the process.  Wishing all of you the greatest gift; the present.

Tough Love

While practicing, I speak with people about having to use tough love strategies to deal with a child who's either doing drugs/drinking, being oppositional, or otherwise making life miserable for the parent(s)/guardian(s), and/or putting themselves at risk.  While some people understand the concept of setting boundaries/limits and having consequences when they are disregarded or breached, most people seem to forget about the love part of tough love. 

If you've reached the point of using tough love, you and your family are having a rough time.  When emotions are running high and anger and frustration levels elevate, we tend to communicate aggressively; yelling, screaming, shouting, or we shut down.  Use coping skills like removing yourself from the situation, with a commitment to return to address the issue, relaxation breathing, taking a walk, listening to calming music, talking with a trusted friend/relative, or whatever healthy skills allow you to calm down.  The key to communicating tough love is to be able to have your own emotions regulated while also being able to  validate your child's feelings.

Only now, after getting your self emotionally balanced, are you able to get in touch with why you get so upset in the first place; the child that you love is in pain, in danger, or is at risk for throwing his/her life away.  This is your child!  The emotions you are feeling are so strong because you're probably scared to death, at your wit's end, and are feeling helpless.  It's really all about love.

Ready?  Yes, now you are ready to feel empathy and communicate the boundaries, limits, and consequences with a calm, loving, sincere voice.  "I can see that you're really angry, and it hurts me so much that you're in pain, but starting now, if you do drugs in this house, I will be calling the police.  I love you and cannot permit you do harm yourself under my roof.  If you want to sit down and discuss options for getting help, and stop this fighting, I am ready to do that.  I love you. I will not give up on you, but these are my rules."

Problem solved?  Of course it's not that easy, but if you can stop the pattern of either fighting or giving in, you will be on the way.  Ultimately, you can not be responsible for the decisions of your children, allow your family to fall apart from the constant battles that you're a part of, or demonstrate anger that your children will most likely feed off of.  What you can do is show your love, be tough in terms of boundaries, limits, and consequences, and seek professional support when possible.

Lastly, it's important to know that kids need boundaries and limits.  They most likely will not verbalize these feelings to you when you set them ("Gee thanks mom, I really wanted to have a 9PM curfew!"). In fact, they may even complain about them...a lot.  Without them, however, they don't feel as safe, loved, or cared for.  Ultimately, they feel better having them in place.  They also need consequences, so that they can internalize that their decisions mean something to them, to their loved ones and friends, and to society.  So be tough, but do so with love.