Happy Mother's Day...Maybe
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Holidays; they trigger all kinds of feelings in us. Some of these feelings are wonderful, like love, joy, gratitude, comfort, peace, and contentment. If you think of yourself as being a part of the holiday, in a participatory sense, like being a mom on mother’s day and having your child or children around, the feelings tend to be more positive. For some of us, it can feel as if we’re looking through the window into the candy store from outside, watching as all the other kids get to enjoy their candy, while we go hungry.
Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship with his/her mother, or be a mother with healthy connections to her child, or have a mother who is still alive or available. Sometimes, Mother’s Day can trigger feelings of anger, isolation, depression, self-loathing, etc. This is where the interventions of self-talk (our inner conversation/thoughts), gratitude, mindfulness, and behavioral work come into play.
Self-Talk: monitoring for any negative self-talk (thoughts) that are at the root of your feeling bad. “My mom died two years ago. I hate this holiday, it’s just too painful for me!” It is okay to be sad about the loss of your mother, but thinking this way robs you of the beautiful memories of your time together (assuming a healthy relationship with mom). You can challenge the negative thought and/or replace it: “Stop it! I’m not going down this road again, it just leaves me feeling awful” (thought stopping). “While I miss you mom, you were in my life for 38 years, loving me so much. Happy Mother’s Day in heaven mom!” (thought replacing).
Gratitude: for loss from death, dysfunction, or circumstance, it takes a lot of work and perspective-building to feel grateful. It is possible though. Maybe you and your mother had a horrible relationship (she was or is an addict who neglected or abused you, etc.), but someone else came into your life as a person of support, love, or as a mentor. You can feel gratitude about that and, perhaps, go on to have your own family someday, with children who look forward to being with you on Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day then becomes a day to reflect on your dreams and goals, as well as recognize the beauty of motherhood done well. You can also feel grateful for having been gifted with such resilience to have come this far, without the support of a healthy mom.
Mindfulness: taking a holiday, or any other day, to center yourself and be very present, calm, and also grateful. Using mindfulness, via meditation, yoga practice, etc., reduces the symptoms of depression, anger, anxiety, and stress and allows you to gather yourself in a way that makes each day precious, meaningful, and valuable. Once centered, you can more easily navigate a difficult holiday for you, but celebrate and appreciate the day and its meaning with others.
Behavioral Interventions: there is no magical and complicated answer for dealing with strong emotions, just simple, practical ones. You do the things that help change your mood and bring you joy, satisfaction, and meaning. So if the holiday is getting you depressed, go take a walk, listen to music, watch a movie, talk with a family member or friend, exercise, knit, do a puzzle, take a ride, paint, write, etc. Do something to alter your mood that is healthy, instead of allowing the feelings to take over and crush you. It is the doing that stimulates emotional/mood change.
These are just some ways to cope with holiday blues explained very briefly. Should you seriously struggle with holidays, a professional therapist can really help you build the skills to retake control over the calendar.
Finally, I want to wish all the mothers, including mine, a very Happy Mother’s Day!