Guilt And Shame
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Guilt and shame can have a significant impact on self-esteem and mood. Guilt is the emotion we feel when we have done something that we believe is bad (or wrong). Shame is the emotion we feel when we believe we are bad (defective, or broken).
Let’s start with guilt. Someone once told me: “there are guilt catchers and guilt throwers.” It made me think deeply about what it meant to feel guilt and the times when I wanted someone else to feel guilty because of my own hurt feelings. We can feel guilty for many different unhealthy reasons: codependency (often associated with people who grew up in homes with alcoholics, drug addicts), unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, low self-esteem. There are also healthy reasons to feel guilt: empathy, compassion, ethics, morality, core values. If you feel guilty too often and it triggers depressed mood, impacts negatively on how you feel about yourself, or causes you significant emotional distress, then it would be helpful to seek out professional support. Also, remember that just because someone is a guilt thrower, it doesn’t mean that you have to be a guilt catcher. Please reread my previous blog http://www.schiffertherapy.com/new-blog/2015/9/19/so-what-do-you-think and you will see that other people don’t get to decide how you feel, only you do! Guilt can be a part of your moral compass or it can be the ball and chain around your ankle. It takes some work to gain insight on the role of guilt in your life, but certainly worth the effort. Finally, Erik Erikson describes the stages of psychosocial development in his book Childhood and Society, one of which includes Initiative versus Guilt (takes place during ages 3-6). How we are raised contributes significantly to how we experience guilt.
Now, let’s look at shame. Shame can be extremely destructive, since it is the belief that we are bad, defective, or broken at our core. Imagine if you felt that way about yourself and how it could impact just about every decision, every relationship, and your entire emotional landscape. My experience working with clients who come in with significant feelings of shame, is that they are working off a belief system that was forged during childhood. As children, we are tasked with making sense of the world, even if we are neglected and/or abused. We haven’t yet developed the capacity for adult reasoning and understanding, so we are forced to use our narcissistic and underdeveloped brain to survive. The result of this is that we come away with distorted views of ourselves and the world. Let me give you a simple example. If a parent or main caregiver rejects or abuses a child, the child cannot imagine that the parent is a flawed human being, whose own struggles make them unable or incapable ofbeing a “good enough” parent. No, the child thinks: “there has to be something wrong with me if my parent doesn’t love me (hates me, hurts me).” This distorted way of reasoning out of a horrific situation can remain fixed as the child grows into adulthood. It can lead to perfectionism, depression, self-fulfilling prophecies of failure, reenactments of trauma, abuse, and unhealthy relationships. Shame is amazingly debilitating. The good news is that, for most people, it can be treated in therapy and be held up to the light of the adult brain’s intellect and get reintegrated into a new, more positive and compassionate view of one’s self. Erik Erikson’s stage of Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt (ages 1-3) addresses his view on the potential development of shame. Brene Brown has some wonderful TED talks on shame: “The Power of Vulnerability” and “Listening to Shame.” You can ‘google’ Brene Brown + Ted talks to find them.
It truly breaks my heart to see how terrible we treat ourselves based upon the guilt and shame we feel about ourselves. I work very hard to help heal the distorted beliefs that have caused so much pain for my clients. It is understanding, insight, self-forgiveness, and embracing our humanity that can make a significant difference in your life. Why not start now?