Tough Love

While practicing, I speak with people about having to use tough love strategies to deal with a child who's either doing drugs/drinking, being oppositional, or otherwise making life miserable for the parent(s)/guardian(s), and/or putting themselves at risk.  While some people understand the concept of setting boundaries/limits and having consequences when they are disregarded or breached, most people seem to forget about the love part of tough love. 

If you've reached the point of using tough love, you and your family are having a rough time.  When emotions are running high and anger and frustration levels elevate, we tend to communicate aggressively; yelling, screaming, shouting, or we shut down.  Use coping skills like removing yourself from the situation, with a commitment to return to address the issue, relaxation breathing, taking a walk, listening to calming music, talking with a trusted friend/relative, or whatever healthy skills allow you to calm down.  The key to communicating tough love is to be able to have your own emotions regulated while also being able to  validate your child's feelings.

Only now, after getting your self emotionally balanced, are you able to get in touch with why you get so upset in the first place; the child that you love is in pain, in danger, or is at risk for throwing his/her life away.  This is your child!  The emotions you are feeling are so strong because you're probably scared to death, at your wit's end, and are feeling helpless.  It's really all about love.

Ready?  Yes, now you are ready to feel empathy and communicate the boundaries, limits, and consequences with a calm, loving, sincere voice.  "I can see that you're really angry, and it hurts me so much that you're in pain, but starting now, if you do drugs in this house, I will be calling the police.  I love you and cannot permit you do harm yourself under my roof.  If you want to sit down and discuss options for getting help, and stop this fighting, I am ready to do that.  I love you. I will not give up on you, but these are my rules."

Problem solved?  Of course it's not that easy, but if you can stop the pattern of either fighting or giving in, you will be on the way.  Ultimately, you can not be responsible for the decisions of your children, allow your family to fall apart from the constant battles that you're a part of, or demonstrate anger that your children will most likely feed off of.  What you can do is show your love, be tough in terms of boundaries, limits, and consequences, and seek professional support when possible.

Lastly, it's important to know that kids need boundaries and limits.  They most likely will not verbalize these feelings to you when you set them ("Gee thanks mom, I really wanted to have a 9PM curfew!"). In fact, they may even complain about them...a lot.  Without them, however, they don't feel as safe, loved, or cared for.  Ultimately, they feel better having them in place.  They also need consequences, so that they can internalize that their decisions mean something to them, to their loved ones and friends, and to society.  So be tough, but do so with love.