So, What Do You Think?

Sometimes, things seem out of control.  Many things actually are.  We don't control the weather, the behaviors and actions of others, the stock market (if you do, please call me ;), etc.  For many teens, as well as adults, it seems as if they are suffering because everything has gotten out of control.  "My mom drives me nuts."  "Only bad things happen to me."  "They made me so angry, what do you expect me to do!"  "I'm failing because the teacher doesn't like me."  The locus of control has shifted away from the individual, leaving the person at the mercy of the universe.  Or has it?  While simple in concept, execution of what you are about to read is extremely difficult at first.  Let's start with the main premise: events and situations are neutral and without emotional context.  We decide what we think, how we feel, and what we do about situations and events in our lives.  No one else gets that privilege.  How do I know this?  If situations and events had emotional meaning built into them, we would all feel the same feelings when they occurred.  I use this analogy with the utmost of respect, and my intention is for it to be the most effective example of this concept.  The events of 9/11 were horrifying for me, as they were for a lot of people, however, we all remember that there were videos of people celebrating in the streets.  If this event had emotional context built in, then we all would have felt similar emotions.  This is an extreme example of the power of our minds and our ability to decide for ourselves how we think, feel, and behave.  Click here for a larger-sized thought triangle which illustrates the linkage between what we think, how we feel, and resulting behaviors.  Let's take a trip back to school for another way to think about this concept.  Here is the scenario: you walk into the lunchroom in middle school.  As you enter, you see that your two friends are across the room and notice that you've just arrived.  They turn to one another, say something, and burst out laughing.  What do you think?  Are they talking about you and making fun of you?  If so, how does that make you feel?  Angry, embarrassed, ashamed, sad?  If so, what do you do?  Do you confront them angrily and aggressively?  Do you turn around and leave?  Okay, now for scenario two: you walk into the lunchroom in middle school.  As you enter, you see that your two friends are across the room and notice that you've just arrived.  They turn to one another, say something, and burst out laughing.  This time you think to yourself: "I wonder what they're talking about that is so funny? I can't wait to find out!"  Would you then approach them aggressively?  I don't think so.  So what's the difference between the two scenarios?  Nothing!...except that you thought differently about them.  It makes all the difference in the world.  It changes the way you feel and behave.  Don't forget, the linkage works in all directions, so negative behaviors could trigger negative self-talk, triggering depressed mood.  Feeling anxious could trigger thoughts of past abuse, which could have you avoid, or run away.  This cognitive (thought-based) strategy allows the individual to use a more positive, hopeful, and reality-based lens to view themselves and the world around them.  So next time you think things are out of control, please remember that you are the only one in control of your emotions.  Again, nobody gets that privilege except you.  I encourage you to pay close attention to how you think about and react to events and situations in your life.  Then, work on making changes so that you can begin to feel better and more in control of your life.