Rewriting Your Story
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Imagine how terrible it must feel to think, actually, believe, that you are a failure, you let everyone down, and you are worthless/hopeless. Let me tell you a story, with the names and demographics changed to avoid any breach of confidentiality.
I once worked with a young man from Chicago named Phillip. Phillip had very disturbing and violent thoughts. He got angry and aggressive easily and thought very little of himself. When Phillip was younger, he lived with his aunt Charlene. He never met his biological mother and been placed in Charlene’s custody at age one. For Phillip, Charlene was mom. One afternoon, Charlene’s boyfriend Tito got very angry with her. This was nothing new, but this time he couldn’t control his anger. Phillip was in the next room, playing a video game; he was only nine. As the noise grew louder, Phillip came out to see what was going on. Although this wasn’t the first time he heard Charlene and Tito fighting, Phillip sensed that this was not their typical fight. This was bad. He could hear the fear in his mother’s voice.
Phillip was stunned to see his mother with her eye swollen and bleeding from the mouth. Tito kept screaming at her and hitting her like he lost his mind. After Charlene and her now ex-husband divorced, Phillip was the “little man” in the house (the only boy among three siblings). He liked the title and tried to act like a “man.” Phillip, knew it was his responsibility to protect his mother, but he was so scared that he could barely move. He felt the warm sensation of urine streaming down his legs. Finally, Tito stormed out of the house, leaving a traumatized Phillip tending to his beaten mother.
From that day forward, Phillip felt horrible about himself. That distorted belief that he was responsible for protecting his mother, at age nine, despite the fact that Tito could have killed or injured him with barely any effort, was all that he knew. He became angry at himself, then others, and even towards his mother. Anyone who dared to look at him funny, challenge his manhood, or treat him with any perceived disrespect would pay the price.
It was only after getting into therapy, that he had the opportunity to explore whether the story he had written about himself was true or not. Over time, he came to realize how his child-sized brain truly believed that he should have been able to help his mother, despite age, strength, and size deficits. Anything else was unacceptable, unforgivable, and intolerable. When he was asked whether he had any family members who were nine, he said yes. One little boy in particular stood out for him, and that was his nephew Shaun. I asked him to imagine Shaun facing a 35-year-old man who was angry, on drugs, and violent. Would he want Shaun to take on that responsibility when the 35 year old was beating his mom? Slowly, recognition began to show on Phillip’s face. “I never saw myself as a small, scared child like Shaun would be in that situation. I thought I was supposed to be the man of the house.” I comforted him and reinforced the thought that children aren’t equipped physically or emotionally for managing that kind of trauma. It isn't the responsibility of a young child to protect his parents, it is theirs to protect him. This began a slow, but steady, process of healing for Phillip. He was able to begin rewriting his own story, this time with more understanding and compassion for himself. For Phillip, it brought him the healing and self-forgiveness that eventually lead to a lessening of the anger and self-loathing that had turned Phillip’s story into a nightmare.
A therapist’s job is to provide a reality mirror for our clients and reflect back a healthy perspective based in truth and knowledge. May your reflection be a healthy one, so that you can heal and rewrite your story too.