When Bad Things Happen

Terrorist acts, like Paris, and natural disasters threaten our coping skills and those of our children.  Normally, we can process bad news or a bad experience because we have a good support system, people come together and we don't feel so alone, and, ideally, we have learned how to self-soothe and cope from our parents/caregivers as we matured.  Children look to parents for cues on how to feel, validation of their feelings, and, most importantly, a sense of safety.  I believe that feeling safe is at the core of everything for human beings.  

For us, it is vital that we utilize our support systems and coping skills in order to deal with extremely challenging situations and events.  Please reread So, What Do You Think? to remind yourself that situations and events are neutral, without emotional context, until we give it to them.  We are then empowered to control the emotional fallout.  It is our sense of safety and security that gets rocked by these events and situations.  If you are directly affected by an event, the immediate reaction needs to be to safeguard yourself and your family, even if your emotions aren't necessarily in check.  As time passes, self-soothing and limiting negative self-talk (inner dialogue) will be important.  Always be aware of who is in earshot when still verbalizing shock, despair, fear, anxiety, since children need to be reassured about their safety from adults.

When talking with children, please take a few deep breaths and focus on their needs.  You will need to be honest, but with an understanding of what is age appropriate.  A 17-year-old child will have a different conversation with you than a 4-year-old.  They will need to have their feelings validated ("I can see that you are very scared..."), but also believe that the adults in their lives are capable of keeping them safe.  Death and violence cannot be denied when witnessed, but the way they are discussed must be with the child's needs in mind, not the anxiety of the adult.  Of course, this is after you've managed to get yourself under control.  Don't forget to limit access and exposure to television and social media, after the facts are known, or you will be inundated with waves of repeated photos, videos, and interviews of traumatized people.  You need to get some normalcy back after a tragedy,  and the media has a vested interest in the opposite; keeping your eyeballs glued to their regurgitation of horror.  

My reaction to this most recent carnage in Paris was a sick feeling.  I felt sad, angry, and anxious about the possibility of other attacks.  I am an optimistic person by nature, but seeing the callous nature of human savagery on every channel, newspaper, social media platform, and in conversation threatened my optimism.  My brain needed to evaluate risk and safety, as all our brains are designed to do, but without the distorted thoughts that can trigger emotional upheaval. Eventually,  I worked to push back on the negative self-talk that was in my head, turned off the media faucet, and regained my emotional balance.  The key was acknowledging that I didn't control what was happening in the world, feeling empowered by the realization that I was in total control over how I felt about it, and letting my coping skills do their thing.

My work as a therapist confirms that we are social creatures, needing others to help us find meaning in our lives.  It is with others that we are our best selves.  I refuse to allow anyone to take away my faith in humankind, andI hope you feel the same way.  Wishing you all peace in your lives and in our world.