Self-Talk: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

“I can’t do this!” “I am such a loser.”  “I got this.” This is going to be easy for me.”  “Who would want to date me looking like this?”  “I am so grateful for this opportunity.”  Sound familiar?

Self-talk is the conversation that we all have with ourselves; our thoughts that are ‘spoken’ internally.  Sometimes, we actually verbalize these thoughts when we’re alone, or think nobody hears us.  For the record, this is part of the human experience, not a pathology (something wrong with us).  Self-talk, as a concept, is neutral.  When it serves to make negative feelings worse, it is not helpful.  When it serves to bring out the best in us, it is positive.

Often, my goal is to help a client stop negative self-talk, since it can be very destructive.  Negative self-talk gets its start when the feedback the world gives them is negative, painful, scary, confusing, or just plain wrong.  Let me provide some examples.  Dad says: “you are so stupid!  You’ll never make anything out of yourself.”  Mom says: “Why can’t you be like your sister?  You’re pathetic, I can’t believe you’re my daughter.”

As a child, you try to make sense of the onslaught of hurtful words being hurled at you by the very person/people who are supposed to love and nurture you.  It makes sense to a child’s mind, that if you are being rejected by your primary caregiver/s, that there must be something wrong or bad about you.  Why else would mommy or daddy say such hurtful things.  That early abuse, neglect, trauma, gets internalized so that the child grows up believing this distorted narrative that they are somehow to blame, defective, bad, worthless, hopeless, or helpless.  They then take this baggage with them into adulthood, but in an unconscious way.  It’s like they feel burdened by a heavy weight, but can’t see the ball and chain they’re dragging around.

In therapy, this can be gently brought into the light, so that the it is revealed for what it is: a child’s distorted attempt to understand him/herself and the world.  Then the process of getting rid of the ball and chain can begin.  The negative self-talk may have already become a habit, so it could take a lot of work to recognize the pattern and make changes.  Two main cognitive (thought-based) strategies are thought stopping and thought replacement.

Thought stopping: awareness that you are engaging in negative self-talk and simply telling yourself to stop it.  Here’s how it looks: “I don’t deserve to be happy.  I”m such a loser!”  “No! I am not going down this road again.  Warren, stop it.”  Then I either change the subject of my self-talk or occupy my brain with another activity.

Thought replacement: again, awareness that you engaged in negative self-talk, but this time replacing the negative thought with a more positive one.  Here’s how it looks: “I don’t deserve to be happy.  I”m such a loser!”  “Wait a minute! Of course I deserve happiness. I am a human being with dignity.  All human beings fail and make mistakes along the way, no one’s perfect, and I’m working hard to learn from mine.”

Finally, as I like to think of this, when negative self-talk is about the future, it can’t be real.  The future hasn’t happened yet, therefore, we have a choice.  We can think negatively about the future or positively about the future.  Since neither is real, why not choose to be more positive?
It’s up to you…that’s right, you have the power to think more positively.  Try it, and let me know how it works for you!