Men

I was recently involved in a discussion that started out about the barriers to asking for help, but turned into some revelations about what the expectations are for men’s behaviors.  The stereotypical portrayal of the man is stoic, sucking it up, and not being very comfortable expressing emotions.  Is this the pre and post baby boomer’s generational bias?  Is this a cultural bias in the African American community that is still with us?  Is this the Latino machismo that remains in place?

Your family of origin experience will answer the above questions, but generally speaking, I do think the message that boys don’t cry is still alive and well.  There is still the weight felt by many boys and men to “man up” about things and be self-sufficient emotionally.  While I do concede that this does not describe every male’s experience, it may be yours.

So then what happens to boys/men who internalize this view of the male role and put limits on their emotional communication?  I believe that the potential for resentment, anxiety, fear, and intimacy problems develop.  Most of this psychic pain derives from the distorted belief that men are less than men if they display any signs of emotional weakness.  As they think retrospectively, I hear so many men describe how angry they are that they were fooled into believing that there was only one way to be a real man.  That way was to grin and bear it.

Neither sex can read minds,  so being able to communicate what you’re feeling to others helps take away the guesswork.  A healthier and more evolved male can cry, ask for help, describe his wants, needs, and desires to the people he loves.  When the blinders are lifted and healthy emotional conversations happen, relationships improve, fear and anxiety decrease, and a man is more likely to feel like a whole person.  

I’ll never forget watching an interview with George Burns, who was about a 100 years old at the time.  He was talking about the loss of his parents an event that took place more than 50 years prior, and he began to cry.  This successful, cigar-smoking man’s man, became a vulnerable human being whose love and respect for his parents knew no time limits.  That was strength!  That was self-confidence!  That was beautiful to witness, and a lesson for boys and men on what it really means to be a hu-man! 

When working with men, I find that once the they feel safe and trust me, being able to open up and share thoughts and feelings is like a revelation for some of them.  Ideally, they take what they’ve experienced and begin to feel comfortable enough to communicate more openly at home and with others in their lives.  By the way, no need to worry.  Nobody will come and take your “man card” away ;)