Saying Goodbye
/Saying Goodbye
Just the title of this blog can trigger some very strong emotions. For most of us, saying goodbye to those we like, love, or simply enjoy is very difficult. People move, change jobs, get incarcerated, pass away, etc., and how we cope with that loss depends of a few factors.
1) Our support system
A) Do we have people in our lives, both personal and professional, with whom we can talk and be supported?
B) Are there community or online support groups, religious organizations, self-help groups that we can utilize?
2) Our Emotional history
A) Did we experience loss in childhood? Abandonment? Neglect? Abuse?
B) Did we experience recent loss, abandonment, neglect, or abuse?
C) Did we get support for our strong feelings of abandonment, neglect, abuse, and loss and process those experiences in a healthy way?
3) Resilience Quotient
A) Are we the type of person whose ability to overcome significant hardship and emotional challenges comes easily?
Research tells us that having a good support system is proven to improve outcomes of people suffering from mental illnesses in general and is also a preventative factor against emotional hardship. The ability to express your feelings, accept help with understanding and processing feelings, and doing so with people you trust and feel safe with, is a path to coping adaptively to life’s losses. I remember how invaluable it was for me to be part of a bereavement group, as were the words of hope from my Rabbi which have stayed with me over the years.
When you’ve experienced significant feelings of loss, there is a tendency to want to shut down, isolate, and suffer alone. DON’T! It is with others that we find meaning, understanding, purpose, and healing. One of the hardest things to do is to ask for help. Please think of this, should you ever be the one unable to ask for help: how did you feel when someone you cared about asked you for help (and you provided it)? That’s right…very good! Think of asking someone for help as an opportunity for them to feel good about themselves and not as being burdensome.
Our emotional history plays itself out in many ways. Early experiences of loss, neglect, or abuse can have a major impact on the meaning of goodbye. It could trigger historical feelings of abandonment, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or simply overwhelm emotional defenses and coping skills. Depressive episodes, self-medicating (taking drugs, using alcohol), anxiety, anger, aggression, are just some of the symptoms that can come from saying an unwanted or unexpected goodbye. Gaining insight into your feelings and being able to work to address any unhealthy reactions will help reduce the length and depth of your emotional discomfort. Again, there is no reason to face this alone.
Finally, there are some people who are more resilient and will be better able to manage difficult goodbyes. Whether it is a combination of genetics of personality and exposure to someone who was able to be that “Sabbath” person (a person of peace, care, love, support) for you is unclear, but this person rolls with the punches more effectively. In my work, I collaborate to help others become more resilient. This way, when it is time to say goodbye, they can do it with the appropriate amount of sadness, as well as the gratitude of having grown to care about someone enough that it hurts when they are gone. I haven’t met anyone yet who would be willing to completely erase all memories of someone they loved in order to avoid the pain of loss. We must be willing to be fully open to saying hello, in order to even worry about the pain of saying goodbye.