Do You Just Listen, Or Do You Hear?

Are you listening to me!!!!????  We've heard that phrase used before, haven't we?  Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines the word listen: "to pay attention to someone or something in order to hear what is being said, sung, played, etc. —used to tell a person to listen to what you are saying: to hear what someone has said and understand that it is serious, important, or true."

When we communicate with one another, we often listen, but we sometimes fail to actually hear, process, understand, and appreciate what is being said.  Let's face it, our own internal dialogue, or self-talk, often overshadows our ability to truly hear.  When strong emotions like anxiety, anger, depression, irritation, frustration, insecurity, embarrassment, guilt, etc. are elevated, we tune out and only focus on what we want to say.

Is this a problem?  Well, yes, it is.  Without truly hearing another person, communication breaks down, incorrect or inaccurate messages get sent, and either party could shut down, get emotionally distant, become aggressive, or emotionally injured.  Relationships depend on good listening skills so that understanding and empathy can be utilized when people hear and understand each other.

You can practice these skills by setting an agreed upon time to talk and allowing for each of you to speak without interruption (no talking over each other either!).  Use clarifying questions to ensure the message you heard was accurate: "If I heard you correctly, you get really angry when I make plans without consulting you.  Is that right?"  Use curiosity to enhance understanding, deepen the conversation, and demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as respecting the other person's opinion: "What is it about classical music that resonates with you so much?"  If your own thoughts (inner dialogue, self-talk) keep distracting you, and you are loading up a response without even hearing what the other person is saying, acknowledge that to yourself, take a slow deep breath, and reset your attention back to the other person.  If needed, ask them to repeat what you missed.

Communication is such a vial part of the human experience that relationships often flourish or wither due to our ability to truly hear each other.  If nothing else, I hope that this inspires you to pay attention to conversations with more focus and understanding.  As always, I welcome your feedback on any of the topics I blog about.  Maybe, we can even have a conversation, and I promise that I will hear you!